


beg nor fear favors nor hate

by sau_dades



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Brother-Sister Relationships, Congratulations rewrite, Family, Gen, Past Infidelity, Post-Reynolds Pamphlet, if you call angelica not killing hamilton's ass a happy ending then yes that tag fits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 21:21:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9091246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sau_dades/pseuds/sau_dades
Summary: "Alexander... What the fuck did you do?" 
Angelica isn't here for him, but she came to speak to him anyway.





	

**Author's Note:**

> KASJDNAKDJ I WATCHED THE HAMILTON ANIMATIC THAT GALACTIBUN MADE FOR CONGRATULATIONS AND STAYED UP UNTIL FIVE A.M. WRITING THIS. BE WARNED

Nobody, until this moment, had ever understood guilt, had ever understood pain, Alexander was certain. Nobody could ever feel more hated, more helpless than he did sitting alone in his study and listening to a baby crying. Was it William? John was too old, and he refused to think of the other person who would be crying, who he would have made cry.

 

Nobody had ever startled as much as he did when someone knocked forcefully on the door, and then let themself in without waiting for his permission. 

 

Then, in the fading light, he recognised the figure. Standing tall in the doorway, just out of the window light’s reach, in full travelling clothing, was his sister. Angelica’s face was frighteningly devoid of emotion, even though he could see her shaking from his desk. With rage, or anxiety, or unshed tears he couldn’t tell. Her hair was tied up behind her, not as neat or orderly as he had come to expect from her.

 

But.

 

His sister was  _ here _ .

 

“Angelica, thank god…” Alexander practically sprinted away from his desk to reach for her hand. It was shaking so badly, and he could tell his were too, he was always a coward.

 

“Alexander…” She said, warmly, letting him take her hand and pull her closer, letting him wrap his arms around her. Angelica was here, and she would help Eliza, which would help him, really. 

 

“What the  _ fuck  _ have you done.” And her fingers were digging into his hair, his clothing, pulling at strands and pressing nails into skin and oh, she wasn’t here for him.

 

She would help Eliza, and no one else.

 

“Ang-” He said, cutting off whatever tirade she was about to go on, whatever tirade he deserved. It wasn’t any use.   
  
  
“ _ Do not interrupt me _ .” Angelica spat at him, pushing him off of her. “Do you even realise what you’ve done? You have invented an entirely new,  _ previously unfathomable _ kind of stupid. The kind of stupid that creates damage you can never undo. The kind of stupid shit that I thought I would hear about in news stories about people who- I don’t know- opened all of the cages in a zoo or something. Never from you, Alexander, you’ve truly exceeded my expectations, so  _ congratulations  _ for that.” She paused for breath, glaring at him in wake of more words. Alexander didn’t know what to do with his hands, fidgeting nervously as she stood across from him.

 

It was his study, in his house, but it was her room when she was standing frighteningly still. The only movement in the room was her heaving chest, his shaking hands. Angelica had probably rehearsed this, written down all of the vile things she thought, taken notes on the all of the vile things  _ he  _ had written down, and was clearly only waiting to be provoked further.

 

Alexander gave in.   
  
  
“Please, sister, let me-”   
  
  
“You didn’t think this through at all, did you? Did it even cross your mind that there are people other than you in this world? Did you think about your family,  _ your wife _ even once?” Her hands were fists at her side, and he knew whatever he said would disgust her.

 

Was the sin worse if you did it despite knowing the pain it would bring, or if you did it without a second thought to its consequences?   
  
  
“I-” He was saved by her interrupting him, because he  _ didn’t know _ .   
  
  
“Don’t answer that, you don’t  _ deserve  _ to.” Angelica’s words might as well have been venomous, for all of the flinching he was doing while she spoke. It was painful, the air growing harder to breathe as she continued. “Think it through now- let’s fucking review. A rumor spreads that you’re embezzling funds- maybe two people had heard. You refute it by revealing an affair of which  _ no one has accused you _ . Jefferson writes to me, you know why he can do whatever the hell he wants?”   
  
  
“Jefferson can do whatever he wants ‘cause of money, you and I both know-” Alexander said, a last ditch attempt to save his pride in his own home. Even though he was shedding the formal speech he kept up around the Schuylers, even as his legs felt as if they were going to fail him at any moment.

  
  
“He doesn’t- Jesus, he doesn’t dignify goddamned schoolyard taunts with a response!” Angelica’s arms swung out, anger boiling over. She never cursed in front of anyone, he must be some new shade of a fuck-up for her to resort to it. 

 

“So yeah, congratulations on that- you fucking lost to yourself and dragged your family into it!” Angelica said, poison and disgust dripping from her mouth, lacing her words.

 

It would be unfair to say that her words were like a blow, because Alexander had stabbed himself. His sister was just twisting the sword. 

  
  
“Listen to me,  _ please- _ ” Alexander wasn’t above begging, any hint of dignity gone as he reached out for her hand, as he pleaded with a thick accent and simple words.

 

She swatted his hand away, and her eyes screamed revulsion,  _ he was pathetic _ .

 

“Eliza, she’s upstairs staring at nothing.”  _ He knew this _ , “Philip, your namesake, John, James, your girls- is this what you want them to remember you by? Is this that legacy you hold on to so tightly? Well, congratulations, you’ve redefined it- this is how you’ll be remembered, so con-” She turns away, towards the door, and Alexander breaks.

 

“It was  _ sacrifice _ !” He said, desperate. His sister stilled, hand inches away from the doorknob and arm frozen midair. “Angelica, please, you gotta understand that I- I never meant...” Alexander trailed off, unable to find the words. He had never meant anything, to hurt Eliza, to ruin his family, to ruin himself, to come to America with his country’s blessing only to embarrass them-

 

His thoughts stopped when Angelica began to speak again.

  
  
“Sacrifice…?” Her voice was so low, he had to strain to hear it. Lilting at the end, it was a question, but he could hear the challenge in her voice.

 

_ Tread lightly _ .

 

“Yes, sister, I never would’ve-” 

  
  
“You know  _ nothing  _ of sacrifice!” She snaps at him before he can finish, which is probably for the best, seeing as he would have said something incredibly damning if left to his own devices. “I have laid down  _ every hope _ I had for myself, given it to my sister, because I am the oldest daughter. It is my job to marry rich, to unite families, and my future lies with the man my father chooses for me. I suffer in a loveless marriage every day, far away from my home, so that my sister does not have to. I have sacrificed  _ everything  _ for her, for you. What do you know of  _ sacrifice _ ?” Angelica’s hands are balled into fists, and he doesn’t doubt for a minute that she won’t hesitate to hit him. He could tell her exactly what he knew about sacrifice, about giving up goals to live another day, but she was Angelica. Angelica from New York, who walked downtown because she was fascinated at listening what poor students had to say and didn’t think for a minute about how those poor students were eating, or living.

  
  


_ “We’ve gotta keep to our parts of the island, and they keep to theirs. Don’t make sense, sure, but everyone who lives on the westside is better than the people living on the eastside.” His brother was saying, ruffling his hair goodnaturedly and laughing at his confused expression while walking downtown.  _

 

_ “Doesn’t make sense.” Alexander said, correcting his brother but asking a question at the same time. “What’s even the difference?” _

 

_ “The difference isn’t that they got money- cause we got money too, brother, even if it ain’t as much- no, the difference is they got money without sacrifice, Alex.” _

  
  


“You don’t understand.” Alexander said, because she didn’t. He didn’t understand her because he was born a man, and she didn’t understand him because she was born rich. An impasse.

 

But Angelica was speaking.   
  
  
  
“Then tell me! Tell me what is so horrible, what you’ve seen that is so unenviable that no other mortal can ever experience hurt, or pain! You never speak of your old home to Eliza,” Good, Eliza didn’t need to know about the hellhole hole-in-the-ground that almost swallowed him up entirely- “She’s written to me about how you keep your secrets. The  Indies, the war, the _ damned Reynolds woman- _ tell me about those secrets, those sacrifices.” Angelica demanded, gesturing accusingly in his direction. She was on the verge of tears, and she was  _ right  _ but she was  _ wrong _ . 

 

The Indies were hell inside paradise, where the constant smell of sugar and fresh spices almost covered up the smell of blood and shit that reeked around the docks. The hurricane that swept over the island was the best thing to ever happen to it, even if now he would wake up thrashing,  _ drowning _ , wondering what country he was in.

 

The war caused different kinds of nightmares, the kind that followed you when you awake. Flinching at sudden noises, avoiding certain parts of certain towns, spending days in bed or drowning himself in work when blood and sick and gunfire and freckles wouldn’t leave him alone.

 

Maria came to him with a thick accent that reeked of subpar education and small money. She came to him for help escaping her own, personal hell. She let him walk her through a part of New York he thought he had left behind in college, and if Eliza ever found out exactly why he allowed himself to become so close to “the Reynolds woman” then he would never forgive himself.

 

Angelica would never forgive him if he said those things to her sister, if he stained Eliza with his shit childhood and shit adulthood and shit decisions.   
  
  
  
He had been silent too long, and Angelica was shaking her head, eyes dark and righteous, as if she had proven herself right. She _ laughed _ .

 

“Even now- God, Alexander, what do you have to  _ say _ ? You told the entire world how you couldn’t keep it in your pants, but you won’t tell your family the slightest thing-”

 

At some point in the next second, Alexander’s mouth decided to work without his permission, and if he didn’t have a death wish moments prior he certainly must have one now, because he snapped at Angelica.

 

“ _ You don’t want to know! _ You don’t wanna understand what it’s like down there, sister, it was like hell for the poor men, like hell for the slaves, like heaven for the rich man- there was nothing for me. I was a bastard, an abandoned bastard who was never gonna make it to twenty- I’ve worked everyday of my life,  _ since I was old enough to speak _ , for my family, my future-” And he was rambling, but he was angry, because Angelica  _ didn’t understand _ , and he was angry at himself because he always fucking did this. He kept stuff inside, worked and worked and worked to forget about it, but at the slightest prompting he spilled it out endlessly.

 

At least now it was to his sister, and not the entire state of New York and beyond.

 

But his sister was just staring at him, tears welling up and shoulders shaking silently. Alexander realised, belatedly, that he had definitely been speaking too quickly and too heavily accented for Angelica to hardly understand, and before he could apologise-

  
  
“ _ Damn it all, Alexander! _ ” She cursed, turning around to slam a fist into one of his bookshelves too fast to see. Alexander flinched, but stood shock still while Angelica recovered from her punch, rubbing her hand and rolling her wrist.

 

“I’m... sorry.” He says after a moment, when it’s abundantly clear that Angelica has nothing else to say. His sister just laughs sadly, chokes on a sob that Alexander pretends not to hear.

 

“Damn right you’re sorry.” She says, looking at him without anger for the first time since she entered his study. It was awkward, knowing that their argument had probably been heard by Eliza, probably disturbed the baby that was crying earlier, probably given one of the few maids some gossip to spread.

 

“I- Angelica… what have we done with our lives?” Alexander asks softly, glancing at Angelica nervously. She sits down in a chair by the window before answering.

 

“I could ask you the same thing, fuckwit. You’re the one who messed up here. I made- I went too far, right now, but.” Angelica sighed, dragging her hand along her face and spreading tears across her cheek. “I love Eliza more than anything in this life, Alexander, and I know her better than I know myself. She’s not going to abandon you for this.”   
  
  


Alexander lets out a breath he had been holding for days, choking on a relieved sob, and praying thanks to every god he can think of.

 

“Thank God, Oh my God, Eliza.” He sinks into the chair next to Angelica’s, burying his face in his knees and finally breathing properly.

 

“Doesn’t mean I think she should, watch yourself.” Alexander looks up hurriedly at her brusque tone. “I said she’s not gonna abandon you, I never promised anything more. Eliza… is the most trusting, the most loving, the most kind person in the world. And you’ve broken her trust, taken advantage of her kindness to hurt her in this way. She might not forgive you, she might not even deign to pretend to, because you hurt her so much, Alexander.” He stares at his sister, riveted, disgusted with himself. Angelica sighs again, long suffering, and looks back at him.

 

“Angelica, I…”   
  
  
  
“Don’t apologise to me. Apologise to _ her _ . She’s the best thing in your life right now, the best wife you could ever hope for, and if you  _ ever  _ forget that  _ every breath you take _ is for my sister, then I will kill you myself.” Angelica pauses for breath, staring him down. Alexander continues to look at her for a moment until he realises that it’s his turn to speak.

 

“Sister- Eliza is the best of wives, the best of women, and I will never do anything to hurt her from this point on, I should have never done anything to hurt her in the first place, Lord knows, and I- I’ll put her happiness above mine in my every waking moment,  _ Angelica _ , you have to believe me, please.” Alexander says, all in a rush. Angelica stares at him in the minutes afterward, no sound but the heaviness of his breathing and the occasional noise from upstairs.

 

Then, a hand. Lazily extended from the armrest of her chair to his. An olive branch.

 

Alexander scrambles to take her hand, squeezing it tightly and searching her face for any kind of reaction.

 

“Brother,” she says, after a moment, and Alexander finally feels his face get wet, which is totally embarrassing but  _ now is not the time _ , “Eliza loves you. She is terribly furious, and hurt right now, but she loves you. The anger I feel because of the pain you’ve cause my sister is inconceivable, brother, and I will never forgive you for this.” She says, coldly and carefully, each word carefully chosen to play a monumental role.

 

“Sister, you know that I have never spent a day not cherishing the company of you and your sister, for all it is worth.” Alexander says, lightly and carefully in order to avoid his voice breaking. Angelica stares at him, unreadable, before nodding.

  
“Okay.” She said, and for a moment, it was.  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE do leave kudos and/or long comments about literally anything i've written down, i Will Cry
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr](https://eliiizas.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
> things:  
> \- alexander DID like to refer to angelica as his sister, and in the famous comma sexting letter he addressed her as sister too
> 
> \- the title is a macbeth quote, and since alongside comma sexting angelica and ham have macbeth porn, i thought i'd just
> 
> \- ham getting an accent/"losing his english" when emotional is something my mom does, and since i Thrive for his definitely not rich background as a definitely not rich kid, i threw that in
> 
> \- he also did have a brother! his name was james and idk much about him except that he was a carpenter and alex really wanted him to visit america
> 
> \- alexander relating to maria because of her background/situation is something i think about a lot, especially in modern aus. 
> 
> \- SWEATS i do not know a thing about the demographics of St. Croix, or St. Kitts & Nevis, so i just went with the way my city is structured: richer people live in the west side of the country because they are zoned for a better school, while poorer people live on the east side because it has more cheap, easy jobs.


End file.
